Retrospective

I just read through this whole blog for the first time since abandoning it. If I’ll be honest, I genuinely just don’t remember a lot of this. Maybe I repressed some of this. Maybe it’s just the passage of time being impartial as usual. It does feel like I’m reading about a wholly different person. I suppose he is, in a way. Four years doesn’t SOUND like a lot of time. It sneaks up on you and leaves you changed. Speaking of which, I just have to give my dues where they’re due. Modern medicine’s an amazing thing.

What I’m trying to say is that I’m a woman now. My name’s Kiana. In retrospect, even if I knew that this was an option, I wouldn’t have taken it immediately. Growing up in a religious household leaves you guilty. But that doesn’t matter, not even a little bit. That was then, and this is now. And dammit, I’m happier than I’ve ever been.

In the spirit of this blog, I think I should probably give a couple of life updates. Where to start? There’s a lot of stuff that happens in the span of four entire years. My mom got shipped off to the psych ward. I never got to see her go. Even if it does sting, I know in my heart that this is for the best. I have a sneaking feeling that she wouldn’t have taken too kindly to the woman I ended up becoming. Just a gut feeling.

Johnny moved out really fast. He joined the military. I’m not really surprised he did, honestly. There’s always certain people who seem predestined to enlist. He didn’t really take the news of who I was well, I’ll admit. Tyler didn’t mind it so much, however. He and his mother were confused at first. I can’t really blame them, though. Transitioning, as it’s called, isn’t exactly the most widespread thing. People just aren’t aware of it.

Tyler decided to study archaeology overseas. He’s in the Mediterranean now, if I’m not mistaken. He got an incredible scholarship for submitting a thesis on Otzi. Now that I think about it, we’ve all left Needlepoint behind. We’ve all got history here that we’d all like to abandon, some more than others. I still haven't fully forgiven Tyler for what he did in 2005. It's been four years, yes, but it's just one of those things that you can't just... get over. I just sort of hope that Johnny comes around.

I just remembered. I never explained what exactly happened before I abandoned this blog, did I? Must have slipped my mind in the panic.

That girl. I never did ask her name. We lived together in Tyler’s basement until I moved out to Minnesota for college. We all became far better friends than I would have assumed. I got into digital photography. Photos of the woods particularly spoke to me. So one day, I brought the girl along so that we’d talk absent-mindedly like we always did. This time was different, though.

She leans over to me and says something.

“It’s about time.”

I don’t know what she means. Who would?

“If things don’t change now, you’ll get comfortable in your own suffering.”

Things had been going the best it's ever been at that point. What did she mean when she said I was suffering?

“Best to just get it over with.”

She pulls me in and plants a kiss on my lips. I fall on my ass, crawling backwards. She leans over me, crouching to make up for the height difference.

She starts to strangle me. Her hands are firm, resolute in her decision. Above me, she looks at me with the fondness a mother would have for her child. I have the camera in my hand. I started recording, but the lens cap was on. I wrestled my way out and I started running as fast as I could. My throat burned with every breath I took. I couldn’t swallow, either. My spit all bunched up in the back of my mouth. I just kept running, running, running all the way back to Tyler’s house. I uploaded that video to my YouTube channel as a cry for help, I suppose. I couldn’t really tell anybody about what I experienced that day. It’s an unbelievable story.

I don’t think I ever saw that girl ever again. She never came back from those woods. But ever since I started taking steps to feel more… myself, something’s been nagging at the back of my mind.

Every day that passes on, I’ve realized that I look more and more like her.

I think he died in the woods that day.