holy shit

What the fuck. Somebody at my school went missing. I didn’t know him but apparently Johnny did? He was apparently one of his closest friends and he just… left. He did leave a note behind but that’s just fucking wild. Johnny hasn’t told me much about it. I asked and he told me to fuck off. I don’t know what the hell is happening. The whole town is going fucking insane over this and it feels like I’m the only kid who didn’t know him all that well? Apparently he was on the football team and won our school a lot of games? I’m only learning this now. What is a popular kid like him doing hanging out with Johnny? Fucking hell. This is probably one of the only times I’ve ever been happy to live in the woods like some sort of fucking hermit but its a nice place ot get away from the constant news trucks around. My mom’s coked out about our town being on the news for some reason. My dad isn’t. He stood on the edge of our driveway completely shirtless and screamed stuff like “retarded mexicans” and other stuff I can’t repeat verbally otherwise he’d get mad at me like the fucking hypocrite he is at the news crew that drove by. Honestly embarassing as fuck. Ive just been in my room the whole time trying to ignore this whole thing. Its bullshit. Everything about this is bullshit.

I feel fucking horrible for Johnny. I’ve seen how this effected him. He’s more withdrawn and he isn’t as cool as he always is. Its like the lights just gone from his eyes and I don’t know if I can even do anything to help. Its not my fucking pile of shit to step in but it’s killing me that I can’t help him feel better a bit. What the fuck am I good for then? Sitting here like a douche and blabbering about my own problems? Goddammit I’m doing exactly that. But literally what can I do? I’m powerless. If I went out and tried to find him myself I’d disappear too. Honestly people wouldn’t give a single shit if that happened. Pretty sure that the only reason why people are sad about Mike is because he was a fucking varsity football player and I’m just a fucking bad kid. We’re in different worlds and my world is one that nobody would want to go into without seven gallons of pepper spray otherwise they would think that they were going to get pinned down in the middle of an alleyway and skinned by 40 year old orphans with full body piercings and catheters jerking themselves off because they were never taught what actual love is apart from big tittied Thundercats fanart and semen slathered shrines to Rouge the Bat. That’s what people think people like me are like. So they just don’t care. So why don’t I just fucking run into the woods already and save everybody else the trouble? I don’t have friends apart from Johnny anyway.

Maybe I should change but I don’t know how. This is what I am. I’m the fucking table scraps of society that grow up to chase happiness through getting my cock milked by prostitutes. That’s all itll ever boil down to. I can’t even relate to other human beings. I’m fucking irredeemable garbage of a person that even now still makes everything about himself. And I can’t change. If I change I’ll die because I don’t know who I’ll be otherwise. And I’ll die because my dad will kill me. I’ll be weak enough to die when he smashes his fucking Rolling Rock bottle over my head when if I had been who I am right now I would have shrugged it off and walked back to my room. I would still be bleeding but I would be okay. I would be able to manage somehow but I can’t say the same for the person I’ll be if I change. I’ll be weaker. I’ll have softer hands and a rounder face. My voice will sound like a mouse getting fucking strangled.

I think I get why the police gave me that death whistle. He’s dead and I’m still alive. I’ll have never known him and I don’t know if I should be happy or fucking destroyed.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

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